Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I am not a food blogger.

I am a foodie and a blogger, but not so much a food blogger. You see the plethora of fun food blogs out there, the cute and perky hosts on the cooking shows who chit chat and smile their way through cooking up some yum-yums. I am not those people. However, I love to cook, and I love to eat. I've got a kitchen. Ingredients. Camera. Blog. I'm all set! So, continuing on with my Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines-like alter ego the Lazy Diva, here is the one where I attempt to be a food blogger.

It started with a great recipe that I realized I had all the ingredients to whip up. Combine that with my new self-cut wispy bangs that have me feeling a little Barefoot Contessa-ish, and that's all I needed to start talking my way through cooking as though I were on my very own TV show (we call this "Rachael Ray-ing"). Not like I do this. Oh, who am I kidding? I do it all the time. We have guests coming for dinner this weekend, so what better idea than this?

Answer: nothing. Nothing is a better than tiny little pillows of pineapple desserty goodness. I think I shall make them.

So I get ready; gather my ingredients (well, most of them. Mise en place, though I can spell it and use it in a sentence, is not my strong suit.). And I get started cooking.
Step one: DRAIN pineapple; reserve juice.

Okay, this calls for crushed pineapple. I have chunked. But I also have a food processor! Which I've used exactly twice. To make hummus (overkill; the hummus yield was tiny compared to the giant food processor bowl) and to make salsa (too much liquid for the bowl. Messy!) But this? I can totally do. 

That's not cute. Lumpy home-crushed pineapple!?
Quick! Make it cute!

There's the money shot. Fluffed-up home-crushed pineapple.
Looks far more inviting. Please disregard the chunks.
They were dispatched of forthwith by the fork. Well, most of them were.
I always have that DO NOT USE FRESH OR FROZEN PINEAPPLE warning from the Jell-O boxes of my youth flashing in my brain when I use pineapple in a recipe. You only have to ruin one box of lime Jell-O to get that lesson! But it's okay; these pineapples are canned.

Step two: STIR together melted butter and brown sugar. Evenly divide into muffin cups. Evenly divide pineapple over sugar mixture. Place cherries in center.

Okay ... melted butter?


Brown sugar?


Start non-sticking my pans with a butter rub (I don't do nonstick spray) when I realize that someone (who shall remain nameless. Fifth amendment and all that.) put away the pan without washing it. Cupcake papers are NOT impermeable and the pan is a bit ... icky. So we take a slight detour.

I high-five myself for catching this before I give my family the botulism. Yeah, me!

Okay; back on track. I did not take a picture of putting the butter/brown sugar in the pan as it resembles crude oil sitting in the bottom of the little cups. But the pineapple (home-crushed!) is so very pretty.

Pineapple + crude oil = yummy goodness!
Now to the cherries. Such a lovely shade of day-glo red! Is that color even found in nature? Or are these pasteurized, processed cherry-like food?

Now to destem and halve the cherries and ... son of a what the heck!? 

Can you see the cherry pit in that extreme close up!? It's there. I guess these are real cherries, color be damned. Forty-some-odd years of interaction with these cherries and this is my first pit. Pretty good odds, I guess.

Step three: PREPARE cake mix according to package directions
using reserved juice. Pour into muffin cups.

I can do this. Cake mix--check! Eggs--check! Pineapple juice in lieu of water--check! Softened butter ... son of a butter ball. All my butter is frozen. Well I guess it's time for a little break while the butter softens ...

This cooking interlude brought to you by a lovely
screw-top Sauvignon Blanc from Australia.
What better way to wait for butter to thaw? And yes, it's on the windowsill because I'm out of counter space.

Okay! Softened butter--check! Let's do this.

Mixing up some cake! I'd tell you it was from-scratch, but you can see the box. I told you I was lazy. And I also told you I was using a mix. But, in my defense, this one has pudding in the mix. I don't know how to do that. And it makes good cake. So there's that.

Ready for the sauna! Two muffin pans full of pineappley goodness, coming up!
The house smells awesome, of buttery, sugary goodness and baking fruit. Amazing. This is the best part of baking the way it makes the house smell so delicious!

This, however, is the worst part of baking:

Cleaning out the ick from those tiny little cups is no fun. Someone needs to design a better muffin tin!
Out the cakes come--tiny, delicious and moist. Not quite as full and fluffy and un-browned as the cakes on the picture, but just as yummy. If you want the full recipe, you can find it here. I highly recommend that you make them a day or so ahead, as the flavors develop more after they are left to sit for a bit. 

Ooh-almost forgot to take the after picture!

They're not pretty but it sure hasn't stopped us from enjoying them!

Yeah, so that's pretty much why I'm not a food blogger. I will continue to love and enjoy food blogs, taking pictures of my hits (not so much my misses).

DISCLAIMER: I am not a paid spokesperson for Dole or Pillsbury or maraschino cherries or wine. After this post, I'm thinking I never will be.


  1. Yum, those look great. Also, that Pillsbury cake mix is sublime. Why make it from scratch when you have such an awesome mix that takes way less time, and tastes just as good? I think you make a great food blogger!

  2. This was the perfect post to read at lunchtime. now I totally want those... My PB & J looks a little sad...

  3. I'm overcoming my horror of boxed cake mixes to write this comment, so I get extra credit, okay? I read a lot of food blogs and this is a hilarious send-up. The prose is funny, the pictures are great (especially the plain pineapple followed by fluffed-up pineapple) and I enjoyed it start to finish. Don't know if this is your usual blog fare (ha ha) but I'll be back to find out.

  4. Ha. so amusing. that's how i bake. love the alcoholic interlude. :)

  5. I'm making those! I have to admit those cake mixes are pretty fail safe, as much as I'm embarrassed when people find out I've used them. This was a funny take. I love the shot of the alcoholic interlude too! Most gourmands partake while cooking, let's be honest...

  6. Thanks for your awesome comments! If I could, I would post a reply to each one. But I am on blogger and therefore I cannot. But I will say this:
    Samantha: I'll continue not being a food blogger but I'll be a food savant, as it were, taking pictures of my wins (not fails) & posting them.
    IASoupMama: I love PB&J. It's my go-to breakfast! But these cakes were tasty.
    Louise: Who am I to argue with a boxed mix that has been perfected by food scientists? I'm okay with the box. Glad you liked the post!
    icescreammama: You are making me crave a glass of wine but it's time to pick up the kids! Sigh.
    Kim: I'm raising a glass in your general direction!

  7. I love the humor in your post. I also liked your reply - who are you to argue with food scientists. And no counter space for your wine. This is funny stuff...

    1. Okay I don't get blogger--I can reply to a comment on my phone but not via the regular site? Awkward.

  8. Those look delicious! I'm hungry now. Womp.

  9. Yum! Also I love me a good screw top wine! And alllll the way from Australia?? ;)

  10. So so funny! Your version of food blogging is more entertaining. I want to eat those right now.

  11. Blogger is slightly evil. That is all.

    Your food blogging, however, is not. I would read a food blog if it was posts like this all the time.

    Finally - I need to start "Rachel Ray-ing" my cooking. Totally.

  12. "tiny little pillows of pineapple desserty goodness. I think I shall make them." I loved the total airy, British chef feeling of this sentence. And except for the maraschinos, those things look like a dream to me!!

  13. Yum! You almost inspire me to cook something. Hey, I said almost. :)

  14. I want one of those cupcakes so badly right now I could cry!!