Friday, August 26, 2016

8-26: On That Day

This was not the post I meant to write today. In fact, I have one done and ready to publish, but I hesitated to schedule it and now I know there's a reason I didn't. Because this morning, when I flipped through social media while waiting for the dog to do her business, this is the picture that greeted me.

This is maybe my favorite picture of myself. I'm the first person to point out when I look bad in a picture. When my hair looks shit or my thighs look fat or any number of a million tiny microaggressions I use against myself. But here I don't see my flaws; I see my bravery.

I took a risk to help a friend. I was terrified but I did it anyway. I have never been so scared of anything as I was that moment, dangling over that ledge. When panic made me freeze, I asked for help from people who were basically strangers and they didn't turn away as my fear told me they would; they unhesitatingly came to help me.

I learned so much this day about myself, about life. It forever changed me in a way I can't explain in words.

The expression on my face is terror melting into relief. I trusted them when they told me to step back into thin air. This is the moment after the terror when I realized I was invincible. I'm reminded of that invincibility even today, when I glimpse this building in downtown OKC—I get a rush of adrenaline every time. It's like a secret power source. I remember it when I see my daughter wearing the Wonder Woman shirt I wore that day, how she saw that I didn't quit even though it was hard and I was scared. I remember that my friend believed in me and asked me to because she thought I could do it. She doesn't even realize how much she has changed my life because of the big moments I took a chance and jumped with her.

I was scared but I believed I could. So I did. And I need to remember that in those moments where it feels like I can't do it.

But beyond that, it was about a good cause, helping out the Girl Scouts of Western Oklahoma. I wrote about saying yes before the fear hit my brain, about being brave when I was scared, about how the shit got real, real quick.

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