Wednesday, February 01, 2017


As in, thank goodness it's February.

January was quite a month. It was a month where I heard the YES! I've been waiting years to hear, only to get an epic clapback from the universe that sounded like "haha, just kidding, PSYCH!" and at this point, things are still up in the air. Did I mention that I don't do well with uncertainty? Yeah, I'm sure I'm not the only one. This led to the making of all the "shit mood" playlists (more on that below).

I'm not giving up on my No Bullshit in 2017 battle cry, but last month really put me to the test. I realized that even though I have every right to, I find it difficult to wallow. It doesn't do anything for me except usually give me heartburn and a headache and why do I want that on top of already feeling like shit? I could always invite different people to my pity parties, but I'd rather not because I don't want to be surrounded by people who validate my bullshit.

So instead, I'm just working on shredding the bullshit and pushing forward. Working on my projects. Moving forward as opposed to standing still. To be honest, I'm not okay right now. I feel fragile. A little afraid and overwhelmed of the things happening to me that are out of my control. And it seems like this is a pretty common feeling around the country, maybe even the world right now. And while all of that is happening and I'm working hard to stay positive and be vocal, my current shit mood is more narrow in scope. This defeat is closer to home. It's hard to have self-pity when everyone seems to be dealing with bigger issues. It feels like it's not okay to have personal drama when I'm surrounded by discord, but that's a form of bullshit, too, isn't it?

So, I'm investing in some self care. Not crumbling under the pressure, but talking about it and meeting it head on instead of hiding from it. Redoubling my effort to do the things that make me feel stronger. I'm not a victim so I'll be damned if I'll act like one. I'm taking charge, taking action—and action requires music.

So, the playlists: once up a long time ago, I made a "Shit Mood" playlist that I listened to when I was, well, in a shit mood. It started with Black by Pearl Jam and progressed to Santa Monica by Everclear, from a bad mood to a mildly better mood, massaged by music.

This most recent shit mood has eclipsed most others and necessitated a three playlist set. Following are selections from each list.

Shit Mood Playlist 1: Now We Rage — The one with the angry, sweary songs that are useful when the rage is pouring off me like visible waves and you need to exercise (not exorcise) your angry demons a bit.
  1. Black (Pearl Jam)
  2. Break Stuff (Limp Bizkit)
  3. F*** You (Rancid)
  4. Get Your Fight On (The Prodigy)
  5. Bullet With Butterfly Wings (Smashing Pumpkins)
  6. You Know I'm No Good (Amy Winehouse)
  7. Fake It (Seether)
  8. Bitter Rival (Sleigh Bells)
  9. Ain't No Easy Way (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club)
  10. Flagpole Sitta (Harvey Danger)
  11. Killing in the Name (Rage Against the Machine)
  12. Points of Authority/99 Problems (Linkin Park & Jay Z)
Shit Mood Playlist 2: Soothing — The one with the softer songs for when I might want to cry after I'm really pissed off and feeling introspective. This is where the wallowing happens,
  1. Pray You Catch Me (Beyonce)
  2. Back to Black (Amy Winehouse)
  3. Dream On (Aerosmith)
  4. No Rain (Blind Melon)
  5. Redemption Song (Bob Marley)
  6. Down in a Hole (Alice in Chains)
  7. Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
  8. You Know You're Right (Nirvana)
  9. Baby Blue (Badfinger)
  10. Sing Me Back Home (Merle Haggard)
  11. Sound & Color (Alabama Shakes)
  12. Travelin' Soldier (Dixie Chicks)
Shit Mood Playlist 3: OVER IT — The one with the songs that motivate me when I'm done raging and/or wallowing. This is the longest playlist because this is where I intend to spend the most time.
  1. We Can Do What We Want (Drenge)
  2. Love Buzz (Nirvana)
  3. GDFR (Flo Rida)
  4. Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars)
  5. Back Where I Belong (Rancid)
  6. Take Back the Power (The Interrupters)
  7. The Ballroom Blitz (Sweet)
  8. Lust for Life (Iggy Pop)
  9. The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
  10. Thank You (Falettinme be Mice Elf Agin) (Sly & the Family Stone)
  11. New Wave (Against Me!)
  12. Not That Kind (Anastacia)
  13. In One Ear (Cage the Elephant)
  14. Do You Love Me (KISS)
  15. It Takes Two (DJ EZ Rock & Rob Base)
  16. Santa Monica (Everclear)

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