Wednesday, April 19, 2017

On Calling It a Day

I'm pretty honest with my daughter. She's 12 and I think it is important for her to know that she's not the only one who struggles. That sometimes grownups make it up as we go along just like she does. And that that is okay.

One of these conversations was clearly on her mind a few weekends ago when she assured me that even though I sometimes feel like I don't know what I'm doing, she thinks I'm doing a great job and that I totally do know what I'm doing.

She's a pretty smart kid, so I know I should believe her. And while I felt a twinge of regret that she would feel the need to say such a thing to me, I also think it was profound of her to bring that up out of nowhere when we were just running errands and chatting.

But when I turned it over in my head, framing her words with our current situation, I realize that it's easier to feel less than, easier to feel like I don't know what I'm doing when I'm doing something I'm not meant to do. Sometimes my struggle to succeed is tied to me trying to succeed at something that's not quite right for me.

And that's bullshit. Because hard work that I excel at, hard work that feels good, doesn't feel hard. Going all in physically or mentally on something that I feel is the right thing for me doesn't feel like hard work; it's rejuvenating. Sometimes I push and struggle at something I think I need to do and it's like pushing against a mountain—you can't push through a mountain. Other times I work hard and push and struggle at something and it's like a boulder—it's hard, it takes focus and concentration and sweat and tears, but I make progress.

It's important for me to recognize the mountains from the boulders and it's okay to walk away from a mountain that won't move. I'm doing that now. I'm walking away from a freelance life that never quite went over the edge to success, walking away from blogging, from mountains I realize I maybe wasn't meant to climb. Mountains that diverted my attention from the boulders.

I guess I've been preparing for this since January—deciding to strip away bullshit in one's life has a way of revealing hard truths. Without that layer of self-deceptive bullshit protecting me from myself, I see it's time for change.

So, here's to new adventures. To knowing when to walk away. And to no more bullshit.

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